This is the first time I have put a year-end list together since (checks notes) 2015. It seems longer than that – I was convinced I hadn’t done one of these since 2011. Some of that has to do with the fact that I’m no longer doing the writing thing on a full-time basis. Some of that is because it’s been several years since there was a batch of movies that got me truly excited. That 2015 piece that I wrote? That was not a great batch of flicks. Good, but not great.Continue reading
I’m going to share something with you. My wife doesn’t even know this story.
When I was 7 or 8 years old, an older boy in my neighborhood tried to force me to suck his dick.
From 3:00 in the afternoon on March 29 until about 10:30 in the morning on April 3, with the exception of one dinner, every single penny my wife and I spent in that stretch went to Disney. Hotels, park passes, in-park meals and drinks, gift shop stuff, a three-day Disney cruise, and the shuttle bus we took to get from hotel to boat and back to the airport (which we will discuss in detail later, using unkind language), all Disney’s now. They have organized their properties in a manner that highly discourages their customers from doing anything outside of the Disney universe, like a group of interconnected black holes. And I would gladly pay for the privilege to do it again. No, I am not suffering from Stockholm syndrome.
Cubs: We want a World Series.
Devil: Okay, but it’s gonna cost you.
Cubs: We figured. How much?
Devil: David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman, George Martin, Leonard Cohen, Gene Wilder, Leon Russell…
Devil: I’m not even remotely finished.
Cubs: You’ve got to be kid–
Devil: George Michael, Pete Burns, Carrie Fisher, Sharon Jones, two thirds of Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, Prince Be, Maurice White, Garry Shandling, Merle Haggard, Muhammad Ali, Paul Kantner…
Cubs: Are you done?
Devil: No. Abe Vigoda. Vanity. Arnold Palmer. Gordie Howe. Kevin Meaney. The guy who wrote “Thriller” and “Rock with You.” The tall man from “Phantasm.” The keyboardist from the Black Crowes. The guy from “One Day at a Time.” Glen Frey…
Cubs: Can we trade that entire list and just give you all of the Eagles?
Devil: Everyone asks me that. The answer is always no.
Cubs: Okay, is that the final list?
Devil: Almost. You know that flame thrower on the Marlins?
Cubs: Dude, not Jose Fernandez. He’s 23.
Devil: He’ll live to see 24.
Cubs: Ugh. Anyone else?
Devil: That depends. When was the last time you talked to Lemmy?
Cubs: You wouldn’t.
Devil: I would.
Cubs: I hate you.
Devil: That’s the idea. Also, Donald Trump wins the election the week after the World Series.
Cubs: So, the year that we win the World Series will be remembered by nearly everyone on the planet as the worst year of their lives.
Devil: At last, you understand.
Cubs: Where do we sign?
Note: I have been a Cubs fan since 1986.